Santadorf
by LittleRedKitsune
Summary: Ganondorf breaks into Hyrule Castle intending to steal the crowned jewels. He gets more than he bargains for when a young Princess Zelda mistakes him for Santa Clause. -Oneshot-


**Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda. I wrote this roughly for my own pleasure, really. And to wriggle my way into the Christmas spirit.**

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" _I know what I have given you_ _…_ _I do not know what you have received._ _"_ \- Antonio Porchia

" _No one has ever become poor by giving._ _"_ _-_ Anne Frank

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 **Santadorf**

It was a widely known fact that Ganondorf was a master at thievery; hence his official title: The King of Thieves. He relished the glory that came with his infamous name. He could thieve wherever and whenever he wanted. He could take any precious jewel his heart desired. People feared him and would never stop him. And because he was a skilled thief, that meant Hyrule Castle was susceptible to his advances.

So when he discovered that Hyrule Castle had a lousy security system and that their chimney was left vulnerable to intrusion…needless to say, he was thrilled. The thought of stealing from under the unsuspecting noses of the supercilious Royal Family was riveting. He took the chance by storm.

But breaking in was more of a struggle than he envisioned it would be. Because by the time Ganondorf had slipped into the chimney's gaping mouth, he had realized too late that he was a large man and that his towering height challenged that of an average human being. There was tumultuous clamor on the way down—more noise than a thief should make. And when he came plummeting to the bottom, his feet hit the ground with a _THUD_. The commotion practically shook the walls. For a fleeting moment he feared he may have woken the whole castle.

He ventured on in spite of it. Because at the end of the day, a thief always sees that his job has a means to an end. And fortunately for Ganondorf, the chimney had hauled him to an elegant, yet homey oval room.

The walls were lilac and etched in gold trimmings. There were white drawers and stuffed animals on white shelves. An ornate armoire stood near the door. There was even a chaise longue near the window—perfect for lounging. At the center of the room lay a four-poster bed with silk curtains. Its sheets were thrown about, but no one was sleeping in it.

A private bedroom.

Surely he could find something of value here, but he had to make haste. Ganondorf spent the next minute rummaging through the drawers and found only silk garments. Then he peered into the armoire and discovered silk gowns. The stuffed animals on the shelves were pathetic. And while the chaise longue was enticing, he had no time to recline.

He decided to snoop elsewhere. But then a pipsqueak's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Who are you…?" it asked.

He turned his head to find that the voice belonged to a wide-eyed young girl. She was clad in a silk nightgown and suffering from a serious case of bedhead. In her arms she cradled one of those pathetic stuffed animals from the shelf. She stared at him with a sense of awe and wonder.

Princess Zelda.

Ganondorf felt cold sweat on his receding hairline. He was certain this brat was going to rat him out to the King of Hyrule. In that case, he needed to navigate his way out of there. Knock her unconscious somehow and then escape the scene.

Suddenly her wide eyes became even wider, as if it had just dawned on her that she had just landed the discovery of a lifetime.

"Santa…?"

Ganondorf was puzzled at first, but then he recalled hearing of an old Hylian legend.

He was certain that it went like this:

 _Every winter, a creepy old glutton breaks into the houses of unsuspecting Hylian families. Hylians must appease him with an offering of cookies and milk if they wished to ward off the evil spirit. And if they satisfied his greedy cravings for sweet treats, he would grant them anything their hearts desired so they would be joyful for the year to come._

…it was a stupid tradition. There was no way in hell an old glutton like that existed, but clearly this little girl was spoon fed this tale and now she was probably going to offer him cookies and milk. "You don't look like Santa…" Zelda mumbled. She tilted her head to one side. "Are you Santa…?"

Ganondorf retorted with, "Of course n…!" Then he faltered.

 _Wait_ _…_

If he somehow convinced her that he really was this so called Santa Clause, then maybe he could manipulate her into revealing where the Royal Family hid the crowned jewels. All he needed to do was play along, and then he could run on home with freshly stolen riches and enjoy a life of prosperity.

"…why, yes. Of course. I am Santa."

Ganondorf tried to smile kindly, but it was terrifying. He greatly resembled a shark ready to devour a fish. This did not faze the little girl in the slightest. She scrutinized his burgundy cape and his leather satchel. And then her mouth spread across her face in a wide, baby-toothed grin. Her giggle could melt even the heart of an evil king.

"Oh, I knew it! I knew it!" She hollered, "Papa told me Santa wasn't real. But oh, he was wrong!" She bobbed up and down, laughing and giggling, "I was right! I was right!"

Ganondorf put a finger to his lip, "Shh…we don't want to wake up your daddy now, do we?"

Zelda gasped and clapped a hand over her mouth, "No…"

"That's right," said Ganondorf, "So you best be quiet, otherwise I won't give you what you want."

Zelda lowered her hand. Suddenly she seemed shy. Hopeful, even. "You must think I'm bad…" she mumbled. "I don't even have cookies and milk to give you…but I've been really good this year, Santa. You have to believe me."

"Yeah, kid. I'm sure you were," said Ganondorf. But he really was not paying attention. He was too busy wondering if there was a hallway behind the nearest door that could potentially lead him to the crowned jewels. His sole mission was to leave with something valuable.

Zelda averted her stare, "Can I tell you what I want for Christmas?" She wrung her hands together while rocking her feet two and fro. "I never told you…"

Ganondorf gazed down at her. It was a miracle that his plastered smile could fool anyone. "Why, of course you can."

Zelda was filled with glee. It became apparent that she was feigning her bashfulness. "Yay! Okay! Up! Up!" she cried, and then she abandoned her stuffed animal and reached her arms to him expectantly.

Ganondorf's smile was frozen in place.

 _Just go along with it_ _…_ _Remember what you have to do._

And so the infamous King of Thieves seated himself on the chaise longue while the Princess Zelda made her perch on his knee. And he awaited her undying wish in the dire hope that if he fulfilled her childish desires, she would eventually spill the beans on the sacred crowned jewels.

"I will listen…" said Ganondorf, "But first, you must tell me where your family hides the most precious treasures." He intended to discard her the moment he learned of the treasure's whereabouts. Crushing a child's hopes and dreams was a special talent of his that he delighted in.

But Zelda proved to be a stubborn lass. "No…this is my only chance!" she pleaded, "There are other children who want to see you…right? So you must be in a hurry."

Her watering eyes and puppy dog pout should be illegal. Ganondorf was disgruntled.

"Fine, you little punk. What do you want?"

Zelda's demeanor brightened. She leaned over and cupped her hands over his ear. And then she whispered words that left Ganondorf dumbfounded. "I want my daddy to stop picking on the desert people," she said, "And I want the desert people to be happy, too. And I want everyone to get along."

Ganondorf furrowed his brows. Can this little girl be serious? She looked pretty damn serious. He vaguely wondered where a little Hylian girl had gained such an insight. "…is that all?" he asked.

Zelda shook her head and laughed. "A pony! I want a pony!"

"And a pony you shall have." Ganondorf lowered her to the ground, "Now go to bed, kid. So I can grant you your wish."

Zelda surprised him with a warm embrace before bounding off for her bed. She was still grinning. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she gushed, "Good-night, Santa!"

"Wait!" Ganondorf exclaimed. "You were meaning to tell me where you keep the crowned jewels."

"Jewels?"

Ganondorf nodded. "That's right. Jewels. Precious jewels."

"Oh! You mean necklaces and bracelets and crowns and things."

"Yeah. Those."

Zelda paused and thought for a moment before saying, "There are shiny ones. Big, shiny ones. Over there…that way." She pointed to the direction on her right. Only an idiot would believe a little girl, but at this point Ganondorf didn't care. He came to Hyrule Castle for something, and wanted to leave with _something_. He refused to return to the desert empty-handed.

"Perfect," he said, "Thanks."

"I really hope that makes up for the cookies and milk!"

"Yeah, kid. Sure does."

"Don't wake Papa on the way out!"

"I won't."

He strode on towards the door and stepped out into the hallway, but then he brought his pace to a halt and looked back at Zelda, who was already fluffing her pillows and tucking herself in her covers.

"Merry Christmas, kid." he said. And then he disappeared out of sight.

He found jewels, all right.

Not the crowned jewels, but they were very precious regardless. So he stuffed them in his satchel and slipped away without a sound.

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The next morning, the ladies-in-waiting were in a raging frenzy. Someone had broken the locks on their coffers and taken their jewelry. Their pearls, diamonds, emeralds, rubies. All of them were gone. The security on the castle was heightened immediately afterwards. Even the chimney was heavily guarded.

Princess Zelda was told nothing about the thievery. She was too young, and anyway she had other things to worry about. Like whether her wish would be granted.

Imagine her astonishment when, on Christmas morning, one of the guards stumbled upon a majestic white pony tied to a tree. There was no note, but Zelda was convinced that Santa really had granted her wish.

And he was most certainly real.

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 **End**

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 **To anyone reading, I hope you have a wonderful, joyous holiday.**

 **Feedback is always appreciated.**

 **~C.M.~**


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